My husband and I had the pleasure of participating in half dozen or so improv comedy classes for a season, each time picking up new improv tools, acting concepts, and interactive games along the way. What stuck out to me though was unlike stand-up comedy (where the comedian comes with a series of prepared topics or jokes), you don’t have to have an agenda to participate in improv comedy. You hardly need props: most times, your imagination will do. And, further, you don’t even have to be remotely clever or quick-witted. It’s blissfully uncomplicated.

To be good at improv comedy requires just a few simple ingredients: tuning in to the feelings of fellow players (participants), letting go of inhibitions, and going with the flow. The more I thought about it, the more it occurred to me just how well the principles of improv comedy corresponded with principles of play — and more specifically, principles of playing with our own children.

Yes, And

Frequently cited as one of the core principles of improv comedy, “yes, and” is the concept of agreeing with and building on other players’ ideas. The instructors described it as a way not only to foster collaboration and build a cohesive scene, but also to support another tenet of improv comedy: making the other players look good. Let’s look at this in practice in an improv scene: if you say, “Let’s go get pizza,” and another player replies, “no way,” where else could the scene go from there? Imagine how shut down you would feel. Conversely, if you say, “Let’s go get pizza,” and the other player replies, “Sure, I’ll go saddle up the pterodactyl,” suddenly you have the stage set for a much more successful scene! This is the real secret of improv: letting go of control, accepting other players’ ideas, and building on even the most ridiculous of situations.

The same is as true in the playroom as it is on stage: to play well with our kids, we must follow their lead, accept their ideas, and be willing to build on a shared vision. Children’s invitations to play are a high honor indeed, a reverent opportunity to explore the outer reaches of their imaginations. Perhaps they might develop a play scenario you’re surprised by, but improv lets us accept their ideas while holding a shared vision we can invest in.

Presence

Fascinatingly enough, I discovered that improv comedy frequently proved to be more about being than doing — calling for a certain sort of presence that I found was largely unpracticed in my grown-up life. Exponentially increasing life paces, impending deadlines, and never-ending adult life obligations seem to leave little margin for unimportant things like pausing to enjoy the present. And yet, improv comedy demands precisely the same level of in-the-moment-ness that children have when they make a full stop on the way to Very Important Adult Appointments to investigate ants parading across the sidewalk. Perhaps we could stand to learn from them.

When you make time to play with your children (likely on a spontaneous “will you play with me?” invitation), consider, “will the world really stop spinning if I go play for ten minutes?” Then, leave anything unnecessary behind so you can truly be present enough to make play happen and enjoy their company undisturbed. Have you ever started a coffee date with a friend only to have them interrupt the conversation to text back their hair stylist five minutes later? Consider how children must feel, too, when our attention is divided. Don’t let petty smartphone pings interrupt precious time with your child.*

Letting Go

In the improv arena, it can be tempting to take the reins and try to do most of the work ourselves when our fear hints that a scene might not be going well. Yet, on the stage, as in the playroom, it’s helpful to live by one mantra: trust the process.

When children struggle to connect Legos, retrieve a fallen toy, or put on their dress-up clothes, it can be tempting to fix things for them. While we generally desire to raise strong, capable, confident, problem-solving children, when we jump in to help right away, we rob them of perfect opportunities to practice these very qualities. The next time they encounter frustration in the playroom, consider the minimum amount of work you can do to support them. Maybe children simply need our quiet presence. Maybe they just need us to talk them through it. Maybe we can show them, then let them try. Maybe we can do it together. My favorite response to “I need help” is “I’m here; I can teach you how if you get stuck”. Consider that sometimes, adults become impatient sooner than children do. Many times, a little frustration will soon give way to the beaming pride of “I did it myself!”

Putting It All Together

“Improv play” (i.e. playing with our children while practicing improv comedy strategies) is so very liberating. When you can enter into playtime present, ready to go with the flow, and willing to let children set the agenda as you build a shared vision, suddenly play becomes more relaxed. Suddenly, our children, too, become more free to explore their dreams, fears, and ambitions through play. This is the lesson improv comedy continues to teach us: enjoying playtime need not be so complicated.

*At the same time, know that I still live in reality too. We certainly cannot accept every single one of children’s requests for playtime. Sometimes, you really are too tired or busy to be properly present, and you shouldn’t feel any guilt having to decline. But, I would challenge you to oblige sometimes when it won’t hurt to let the dishes or emails sit undone for ten minutes — and leave your phone behind.